Monday, December 12, 2016

Memory Lane

I've been contemplating whether if I should post this or not. I just couldn't find the right words and sentences to write this story. But since its the finals and I needed some excuse to take a break from studying, I thought this was the best excuse. This finals have also been making me feel quite emotional all of a sudden. I feel like I didn't do my best this semester.

So basically, that is not what I came here for. About 3-4 days ago, I stalked my own Facebook profile. Yes, I'm taking the creepiness to the next level by stalking myself. I checked all my posts and my friends' all the way to 2007. I realized I have lost and gained friends here and there and it was just a little sad seeing all our conversations back in elementary and high school days. There was not much posts from elementary since I came to Canada during half of the 7th grade. I basically just went for 1 1/2 years.

The posts mostly came from my friends from my first high school. Seeing it now makes me regret my decision of moving to another school. We were all so close back then, even to the point that we had our own tradition yearly, tobogganing and ice skating every winter. We did this for 2 years until I moved to another high school.

It was a shame. I didn't know that move would cause so many fall outs with my friends. I barely have contacts with my best friend anymore. I feel like it's been around 2 years since we last decided to meet. I haven't seen them since though they all still hang out together, except without me. I did have some new friends from my new school but since I felt that I needed to fit in with my older friends, I neglected them in a way. That also resulted in us drifting apart. We still text here and there but it just wasn't the same anymore. We weren't the same stupid, careless teenagers we used to be.

Going through my old email was the hardest. Seeing all the emails my first high school friends exchanged with me made me extremely sad. It was a good run but it was a shame it didn't last. Though I still want to keep in touch, I'm just not good at talking first.

I've also realized that I wasn't the same person I used to be back in elementary and high school. I saw posts from my classmates and friends about how friendly and likeable I am. If only the 13-year old me knew how I was going to turn out, she'd be shocked. Now, I don't have that much friends, eats lunch by herself, and studies by herself in the library. With all these miscommunications, trust issues, friendship fall outs, I learned how to trust nobody and I learned how now to depend on anybody because they will all eventually leave.

I don't know where to place myself as I distanced myself from both of my high school group of friends. It's sad not knowing you don't belong to something or anything. And I want to feel like I belong to something once more.


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