가끔

You know there are times, so many times, where I would write my thoughts and feelings in this blog but never actually publishes it. I don't know. I just feel like it shouldn't be posted because who would want to read such a negative post in the first place? No one. Usually, these "posts" are usually made between 2am to 3am, where my irrelevant thoughts are usually scattered everywhere.

Sometimes when I listen to music during these times, I suddenly think to myself, "what am I doing with my life?", "why did I end up like this?" and so many other things that just makes me feel useless. Why am I living my life this way when all my friends have already gone and fixed their lives. I would be lying if I say I'm not envious, I'm extremely envious. How nice would it be to have my life together like that too. I just don't know how to start over.

Why am I not able to get a job? It's been so long since I left my job. Maybe I shouldn't have left it. I should have just held in every insult the chefs and customers have made to me every shifts. Now I feel like I don't belong to anything and I feel so empty. I wanna feel like I belong again. But how do I do that when not even a convenience store would hire me. I just don't get it. My resume's not that bad looking.  I've got experience. I'm confused as to why I'm not getting calls and when I do get interviews, they always call me I'll call you back again which is the universal code to we dont want to hurt your feelings so we'll shoo you away with that sentence, have your hopes up for the next 2 weeks and not receive any call at all.

My life is such a mess right now. I can't even. I don't know. I just. It's been like this for too long.

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Memory Lane

I've been contemplating whether if I should post this or not. I just couldn't find the right words and sentences to write this story. But since its the finals and I needed some excuse to take a break from studying, I thought this was the best excuse. This finals have also been making me feel quite emotional all of a sudden. I feel like I didn't do my best this semester.

So basically, that is not what I came here for. About 3-4 days ago, I stalked my own Facebook profile. Yes, I'm taking the creepiness to the next level by stalking myself. I checked all my posts and my friends' all the way to 2007. I realized I have lost and gained friends here and there and it was just a little sad seeing all our conversations back in elementary and high school days. There was not much posts from elementary since I came to Canada during half of the 7th grade. I basically just went for 1 1/2 years.

The posts mostly came from my friends from my first high school. Seeing it now makes me regret my decision of moving to another school. We were all so close back then, even to the point that we had our own tradition yearly, tobogganing and ice skating every winter. We did this for 2 years until I moved to another high school.

It was a shame. I didn't know that move would cause so many fall outs with my friends. I barely have contacts with my best friend anymore. I feel like it's been around 2 years since we last decided to meet. I haven't seen them since though they all still hang out together, except without me. I did have some new friends from my new school but since I felt that I needed to fit in with my older friends, I neglected them in a way. That also resulted in us drifting apart. We still text here and there but it just wasn't the same anymore. We weren't the same stupid, careless teenagers we used to be.

Going through my old email was the hardest. Seeing all the emails my first high school friends exchanged with me made me extremely sad. It was a good run but it was a shame it didn't last. Though I still want to keep in touch, I'm just not good at talking first.

I've also realized that I wasn't the same person I used to be back in elementary and high school. I saw posts from my classmates and friends about how friendly and likeable I am. If only the 13-year old me knew how I was going to turn out, she'd be shocked. Now, I don't have that much friends, eats lunch by herself, and studies by herself in the library. With all these miscommunications, trust issues, friendship fall outs, I learned how to trust nobody and I learned how now to depend on anybody because they will all eventually leave.

I don't know where to place myself as I distanced myself from both of my high school group of friends. It's sad not knowing you don't belong to something or anything. And I want to feel like I belong to something once more.

Fighting!

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Drunk in Love

Here I am again. I remember I wrote a similar post 2 to 3 years ago. That post was about somebody who had brought happiness into my life when I was at my darkest times. This time, another person has come to replace this position. Though the person I wrote about 3 years ago was a different person, the person I will be talking about is just as important. If not, much more important actually.

I loved the first guy, I really did, just like I love the recent person I'm talking about now. Like they always say, you can love many people in your lifetime, but you never love them the same. I just happened to love the recent person a little more than the old times.

Thank you for always cheering me up when I'm down.
Thank you for always making me feel better when I feel sad and lost.
Thank you for always calming me with just the sound of your laugh.
Thank you for always making everything better with just a curve on your lips
Thank you for always being there every time I need you.
and
Thank you for simply just existing and letting me know you.
It's really a miracle that God let me live this lifetime knowing you.

Though I may seem lacking, I'm actually doing my best in everything.
Actually, I don't think I'm even trying at all. And I hate that about myself the most. I can never commit to something. I can never do my best in everything. But you were always there to smile.
You were always radiating happiness, though I know at times, you also had your dark moments and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there to console you. But I know, your best friends were there to help ease the pain and every time I think of that, I feel like I can breathe a little better.

I've actually liked you for quite some time now. I was in denial for the longest time and I regret not going out of the closet with my feelings. I just want to say that I will always be here for you. You can always count on me. Just look behind and I'll always appear behind your back, cheering you on with everything you decide to do, just like what you are doing to me right now.

Though I am too afraid to get too close to you, I still don't regret it. You were always shining without me and always will be. I'm afraid that If I get too close, I would be too clingy. I don't want to drag your wings down. I am very contented in watching you from afar. Thank you for letting me know you. I've always lived my life in complete darkness, but you, you were always shining.  I wasn't going to make this post public, but my feelings were everywhere and I wanted to get it out. It's funny, I always talk about you like you put all the stars in the night sky, but in reality, all those stars, I saw in your eyes every time I looked at you.

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One of Those Nights

via: o-xan

It scares the hell out of me how my mind still lives in the past. 

Everyone seems to be over there; moving on, 

living their fast-paced life 

while I'm still here; always seem to live in my memories.

it's one of those nights.

i look at a photo or a post

and suddenly it sparks a memory and

i feel all empty and sad 

inside.

I miss my old life.

I miss how my life seems so easy 

and simple back when I was a kid.

i miss those days when we were all friends

I miss my old friends.

Come to think of it, it's been 9 years.

9 whole fucking years since YOU turned your back on me.

And I still hate myself; we could have saved what we had.

I just wanted to say,

I miss you old pal. Really.

Talk to me again?

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The worst part about memory is that they will never return.

The best part about memory is that they will never change

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College Life

My class starts at 3;30pm every Thursdays but somehow I went to school at 7:30am. I had 8 hours to spare so I decided I would try and be productive by finishing up homework that I didn't touch during my reading week. I decided to drop an online class today as well. It was very difficult to navigate and I just hate online classes in general. I'm the type of student who likes face-to-face interaction with professors. The advisor asked me if I really wanted to do it since the due date for dropping courses with full refund had already passed and I still went ahead with it. After getting out of the room, I cried a little because that was a lot of money. It's not even my money. It's from a student loan and I feel like I had thrown it away.

Why is it that I drop a class every semester? It feels like it's a habit. I'm just wasting time and wasting money. Money that I don't know how I will be able to pay back after graduating. Here I am, going into my 5th semester, still don't know what I want to do with my life. All my friends from high school are already graduated and are graduating. Some of them are working full time and some of them have families of their own and here I am, still dying from school.

Everyone I know always feel like they know what they're doing. They always seem like they're in the right path. They actually enjoy being in their major. My previous major was Accounting and that didn't go too well and I ended up transferring to International Business. I must say, my GPA did soar a lot higher than when I was in Accounting so even if I'm not into business that much, I would rather just finish and get my diploma. I just want to graduate just like everybody else. I hate being left out in the society.

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Midnight Thought

Thoughtless post. Why do I always find myself fixing my blog during midnight. Anyways, I've probably at least changed my template skin over 10 times today. I was just not feeling the look of every single template I found. I swear my mind changes every second. My theme could be minimalist one moment, the next second it could be goth-themed. I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet.

Earlier I was just blogwalking and I happened to stumble upon a blogger. I read a few of his posts before checking his information. I clicked his facebook and one of his relatives are friends with my cousins. It amazes me how small the world is. I was pretty impressed and stoked at the same time. I wanted to message him about it but I felt like it would be too weird.

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► Credit: Susan Tran

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introverts

Credit

I have been procrastinating on posting a blogpost this past few weeks. I barely go out of my room, yet a lot of things has happened. It kinda overwhelms my mind. It's like as if I was living into another space in time and the world just kept spinning without me in it. It's weird. 

Lately, I told myself that I should be more outgoing. But it doesn't look 

like I will ever be one. It's just a pain in the ass. I'm just too lazy to even 

leave my room. 

Introvert.

Well, I guess being introverted is the biggest cause of that. 

You know sometimes,

I wish

I wasn't an introvert.

It's both a curse and blessing at the same time.

As much as I wanted to go out, my mind and body just says no. Laziness has taken over my mind, body and soul. I wish
there would be a day
where I can finally say the word
"yes"
when my friends asks me to hang out with them.

“Writing is something you do alone. Its a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don't want to make eye contact while doing it."

-John Green

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today was a happy day.

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고마워

I don't know but thank you.

Thank you for letting me at least get to know you.
Thank God for letting me meet you.
I don't know how it happened and I, myself, is not even sure about how I feel
But just thank you.

I know "we" will never happen and I know that for sure.

I don't really care as I don't even know how I feel about you.

And I don't know why I'm writing this. 

I'm just happy that I met you. 

You might have came off as an arrogant bitch in the beginning

At least most of us thought so and I''m sorry

Because you probably didn't realize how you're acting

But I know you're nice.

Though it seems like you have a heart cold as ice.

Oh, by the way. You look cute when you smile

And giggle. Please keep smiling instead of frowning

Like you always do.

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Looking Back

Stumbled upon my blog on this lonely night and I re-read and deleted some of my posts. I realized I was such a drama queen when I read my archive. I was 18 then. I'm 20 now. How time flies.

I'm still the same lame person though. I'm still struggling in college. I still don't know where I'm heading to. I finally changed my major to International Business. It's not that great but at least its not Accounting right?

Life goes on. I'm still alive and breathing. I just need to start believing in myself and my capabilities and how far it will take me. Who knows, I might come back here and finally have an uplifting post. Until then.  

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That Feeling...

Have you ever had that feeling when you feel like everything in your life is so wrong yet you just can't seem to figure out what it is. I hate that feeling. I just don't know anymore. I'm so stressed about life, college, and my parents. I'm sorry I'm not living up to your expectations and I'm very disappointed at myself because of that.

I have always been a disappointment.

It's like, I wanna write down every single thing that makes me depressed, but I don't even have one tiny idea of what that thing is but you know there is something. Ugh. I'm so angry at myself.

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Whatever

Whatever.
It has been my answer to every single thing in my life right now.

"Study for midterm."

"You need to ace this test."

"The whole family is counting on you."

"Don't let us down"

"Whatever."

I have so much shit to do and I don't even know how to start anymore. 

School's tiring me out. Is that even possible?  yes it is
I don't even know what keeps me going. Me? My parents? Or the tuition I paid thousands and thousands of dollars for?

I'm just really tired.

I still have a pile of work waiting for me but whatever.

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Breathe

breathe.

don't kill yourself. 

think about what your loved ones will have to go through. 

just don't.

don't even think about it. 

you'll end your life.

go ahead. end your sufferings.

but remember,

your loved ones will have to go through the guilt forever.

coming from a girl who's had suicidal thoughts before,

i don't even know why i'm writing this down. 

there's just so much things going on.

i have a ridiculous amount of shits i still need to do and

i feel like i'm being pressured to do good on everything. 

take things slowly. relax. take a break. listen to music. breathe.

그져 스쳐가는 바람일뿐이야

누구나 한번쯤 겪는 그런일이야

훌훌 털고서 이제 일어나렴

이건 아무것도 아냐

참 바보같이 울고만 있지마

뭐든 맘 먹으면 할 수 있는거야

시간 지나면 웃을 수 있는걸

너도 너무 잘 알잖아

일어나

It's just like a wind blowing past you
Anyone goes through such things at least once
Just shrug it off and get up
That's nothing
Stop crying like a fool
You can do anything you want to do
With the passing of time,
You'll just laugh it off
You also know very well
Get up.

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First posted on: escapingwoohyun.blogspot.com
Posted on: October 20, 2013 21:49
Edited on: July 4, 2015 2:05AM

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7 years flew by so fast

Hey, your posts came up on my dash again. How long has it been? 7 years. I wonder if you still know me. Maybe not. It's just funny how I still think of you once in a while when I know I've never crossed your mind since that day. Or maybe I have. How would I know? I will never know. How can someone have the guts to throw a 2-year friendship just for one girl. I miss having a guy best friend. 

Dear You,

If you had the chance to go back and fix this shit, would you take it?

Your bestfriend, always

P.

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Funny

Don't you think it's funny how you can be so in love with someone you've never even met in person? Let alone someone who doesn't even know of your existence. Hah. You can all laugh at me but yes. I think I fell in love with someone who doesn't and will never know I walk on this planet earth.

How can you be so in love with someone you've never met before?

Hmm. I don't have an answer for now, maybe in the future but all I know is that I will always love him with all my heart and he'll always have my support no matter what.

or maybe it's just infatuation.

but i don't wanna put it that way ㅠㅠ

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